RESULTS: Monday Night Raw August 11, 1997

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN

Austin is standing by in the back, waiting for his pre-match comments. He's in the middle of saying something to someone off camera, pointing at them.

Austin: I don't give a damn WHO your boss is, when I tell you to roll the camera, you damn well had best listen, son.

Austin looks up at the camera.

Austin: (mimicing Derrick Stardom) 'And THAT is the bottom line.' Oh you think you're real special, don't you son. Had I been driving that little helicopter, I'da done knocked your ass off the roof of your shack, son.

A voice comes in off camera, getting closer.

Voice: Is that a FACT.... SON?

Derrick Stardom comes in and gets face to face with Austin.

Austin: Oh, that's real cute, running a tape then being here live. If you don't watch your step, I'll play it back, write down your address and pay your ass a visit in the middle of the night!

Stardom: Don't feign ignorance about my address, Austin. You've been working on the side... mowing my lawn for two weeks now.

Austin: If I'm the gardner, your ass is GRASS! Now 'chippendale' your behind on out of my sight before I mow you down.

Stardom: I'll give you time and a half if you can wax up my limo as bright and as shiny as your bald head!

Austin: We'll get to SEE how shiny it is from the light you'll be puttin' off... cause I'll light you UP brighter then the SUN, SON!

Stardom: The SUN? I'll kick your carcass quicker then you can say... LIGHTS...

Austin holds up his hand and chuckles.

Austin: There ain't no need to go there.

Stardom: Haha. You have a match to get to.

Austin: You got a party to prepare for.

Stardom backs up away from Austin, smirking, while dancing a bit, removing his jacket. Stone Cold cocks an eye brow at him, really trying to figure him out.

JR: Well, they certainly seem to be... uh... getting along. Right Brian?

Pillman: Hmm? Oh.. yes.

King: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an INTERVIEW to conduct! Watch how it's done, JR!

The King puts down his headset.

JR: How will I know when you start?!

King: Did you say something, Ross??

JR: Not a thing...

THE KING'S COURT

The King climbs up into the ring, where the King's Court has been set up. His music plays in the background.

King: Alright peons, get off your fat, lardy rears and give some applause to a couple of punks that make even YOU look high class!

An intense drumbeat has started up in the background as the King talks...

King: Let's hear you Miami Morons give it up for the NASTY BOYS!!

Knobbs' voice (over the P.A.): IT'S TIME FOR NASTY SENSATIONS!!!!

Sags' voice (over the P.A.): GET READY FOR PITY CITY!!!

Hard driving guitar cuts in over the drumbeat as the Nasty Boys' song starts up and Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags step through the curtains! The audience goes NUTS for the Nasties as they move down the aisle dressed in their black leather dusters and wearing their trademark wraparound shades. They roll into the ring and climb onto opposite turnbuckles, raising their arms to the fans as Knobbs shouts out "NASTY!!!!" The crowd RESPONDS. The King rolls his eyes at the display and waits for Knobbs and Sags to step down and come stand with him, which they do, still holding their arms in the air and laughing! The King lets out a cough and waves a hand in front of his face...

King: Hey! You boys mind puttin' those down? It stinks enough in here already!

Knobbs and Sags lower their arms.

Sags: Sure t'ing, King! Least we can do is offer you some courteosity for invitin' us on! Right, Knobbs?

Knobbs: YEAH!!! We're pretty polite when we wanna be... but that ain't OFTEN!!!

Knobbs and Sags laugh as the King looks like he'd rather be somewhere - anywhere - else.

King: Alright, alright, let's just get this over with... Now we know you two got fired from the WCW a few weeks back - what's the scoop there? You pass gas in DiBiase's office?

Knobbs: LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN', Jerry Lawler!! We wasn't fired from WCW, we QUIT!

Sags: YEAH! Actually... I t'ink dey fired us first! THEN we quit!!

King: What?!? You morons aren't makin' any sense!

Sags slaps a hand on the King's shoulder, causing the King to look really uncomfortable.

Sags: It's like dis, King! WCW USED ta be a great place to wrestle! We wuz the World Tag Team Champs, three separate TIMES! Then last year that chump Ted FLEA-Biase takes over as president! And ever since den us Nasties were gettin' the SCREWS! Tell 'em, Knobbs!

Knobbs clamps his hand down on Lawler's other shoulder.

Knobbs: THAT'S RIGHT, Sags! Lemme tell ya somethin'! First off, dere's dese pantywaist WANNA BE'S called "Public Enemy" over dere who can only aspire to the Nastiness which Sags and me represent the PENTACLE of!

King: Don't you mean "pinnacle" -

Knobbs: THEN!! Those CHUMPS, the Harlem Heat, go and lose the WCW Tag Titles to the WWF, which leaves all the rest of us in the COLD! All we gots now is two little pieces of TIN that don't mean hardly nuthin' to NOBODY!!

Sags: But HEY! We figger so WHAT? We still got a good gig goin', and some little pieces of tin around the Nasties' waists is better than nuthin' at all!

Knobbs: So we bust our asses workin' our way back up for our shot at the Steiners, and what happens?!?

Sags: We get dis match against Pubic Enemy where da winner gets a shot at da titles... and we's all set to go out and win when the word comes down from on high dat His Highness Ted DiBiase's decided Public Enema's gonna be the new tag champs and we gotta THROW THE MATCH so's THEY can go face the Steiners!!

King: Now wait just one minute, you two. Are you insinuatin' that the WCW tag team circuit is rigged?!

Knobbs: WE AIN'T JUST INSIN... INSU... we ain't just doin' that, we're TELLIN' YA! DiBiase's runnin' a CROOKED FED!!

Sags: YEAH! And Knobbs and me ain't gonna take that lyin' down! The Nasties don't take the fall for NOBODY! And NOBODIES is exactly what Pubic Enema are!

King: Alright, so Ted's a crook! Like that's any big revelation! What happened next?

Knobbs: We NASTICIZED those punks Rocco Rock and Johnny Grunge!

Sags: Yeah! And on live TV so there ain't NOBODY what can say otherwise!! We got the 1-2-3 in the middle of the ring!

Knobbs: Sags here hadda help the referee count though! HAHAHAHA!!

The Nasties slap five.

King: So you morons embarassed Ted DiBiase on national television and didn't expect to get fired?

Sags: That ain't true, King! Of COURSE we expected to get fired... we didn't want nothin' t'do with DiBiase and his stinkin' Federation after the way he treated us!

Knobbs: But he was too big of a chicken to fire us to our faces! He sends his STINKIN' lackey Kevin Sullivan to do it for him!

Sags: YEAH! And Kevin Smellivan gives us all this B.S. about how us Nasties have "violated our contractional agreements", and dat we're "uncouth", and yadda yadda...

Knobbs: LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN' Ted DiBiase and Kevin Sullivan! We're the Nasty Boys! We don't CARE about bein' couth!

Sags: YEAH! We spit in the eye of couth!

The King whistles low at the butchering of the English language...

King: Yeah, yeah, so he fired your butts! And then you came crawlin' here to kiss Piper's feet, right?!

Sags: Nah, first we left our response! Show 'em, Knobbs!

Knobbs whips off his shades.

Knobbs: HEY! BIG BOARD GUY! SHOW THE PIC!

A still photo appears on the video wall, showing Kevin Sullivan's feet sticking out of a TRASH CAN in back of the WCW building, with Knobbs and Sags standing proudly on either side.

Sags: He CANNED us! So we CANNED him!!

Knobbs: YEAH!!! We gave him our "You Reeks!" NOTICE!!!

Both: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

The Nasties slap five again.

Sags: Then we took ourselves and our story over to Prez Piper here, and when he stopped laughin' he hired us ON THE SPOT!!!

Knobbs: That's RIGHT! President Piper is a leader dat guys like us can look up to and be PROUD of! He respects TALENT!

Sags: And he don't CARE whether guys is COUTH or not!

King: Hey, if you don't mind stopping kissin' Piper's kilted butt a minute, I'm about outta time here! You two got any plans? A manager to do your thinking for you maybe?

Knobbs: LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', KING! We don't need no stinkin' manager tellin' us what t'think or what t'do! Sags here is gonna be our manager - he's got a stragedy all worked up too, ain't that right Sags?

Sags: HAHAHA! YEAH! First off, we sees that the Harts wanna give the WCW an opportunity to win their titles back. Well we say NUTS to that! They don't deserve to titles over there!

Knobbs: HEY SAGS!! Teddy's gonna be HERE at Summerslam! Mebbe we'll have opportunity for that little heart to heart we missed havin' wit' him before we left!

Sags: Yeah! And our old buddies the Harlem Heat are gonna be at Summerslam, too! Looks like they ain't functionin' as a unit no more, Knobbs!

Knobbs: Dat's a real shame! Mebbe we'll have to take some steps to ERECTIFY the situation!!!

Sags: HAHAHA!!! Harlem Heat, Demolition, Hart Foundation, Legion of Death... all you CHUMPS get ready, 'cuz the NASTYVILLE EXPRESS is pullin' inta town!!

Knobbs: NASTY!!!!

Sags: YEAH!!!!!!!

Knobbs and Sags raise their arms to the crowd as their music starts up again, then climb out of the ring and head backstage.

The King shakes his head and heads back to the commentator's table.